You are Stupor & a Compound Idiot #MyLeggedezBenzStories

So I was travelling and boarded those along the road buses (you know those ones that are not registered that just pick passengers along the road). There were already passengers before me. Some minutes after I got in, the driver asked for his fare, I kept quiet then next thing the lady at the front shouted: “Those 2 people that entered @Mgbidi  should pass their money”. I passed my money forward. The journey continued peacefully until we picked 3 more passengers.

Next thing, the driver asked for the fares again so 2 people passed their money forward while the other kept quiet. The lady in front turned back again and siad that the money wasn’t complete, that someone was yet to pay. The driver shouted for the money again and the remaining guy who was seated at the back shouted back “I’m aware, driver”. The lady turned back again and started shouting at another guy to pay his fare. The guy told her he wasn’t the one still owing. But the lady insisted and started shouting angrily at the guy to pay. The guy explained that he was among the first to board the bus and his neighbour chirped in, confirming that he wasn’t the one owing.

The journey continued till the accused guy got to his stop and went to alight. Then the lady started again saying he didn’t even pay and he is commanding the driver to stop him at a particular spot. At this point, the other passengers joined in to ask the woman what her problem was. The guy’s neighbour told the woman to just keep quiet as the man had paid his fare, others also seconded pointing out that he was among the first to board the bus. The woman continued shouting and told them to shut up and mind their businesses. At this, a passenger asked her what her business was in the whole affair as she wasn’t the driver’s wife, mistress, his accountant or his conductor. Another added that if she wanted to be a conductor, she should leave the front seat and move to her rightful position.

And all hell was let loose…..
She started spewing insults one after another with the other person countering. Next thing i heard ‘You are very stupid‘ ‘In short, you are stupor

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That was my face

You are a compound idiot‘ ‘You are not even fit to be my househelp

At this point, it seemed a unanimous decision was reached by all that the woman was a horrible woman. And the next comments were: “I wonder how her husband copes with her”, “I’m sure he either doesn’t come home or he has chased her out”.

But that got me wondering, “What if she was just having a bad day? Or a bad week even?? Or maybe she’s just going through some phase in her life like ‘The Diary of a mad Black Woman’ (For those who have watched it)???” I know it’s not an excuse, afterall she didn’t know what we were going through ourselves but sometimes I just feel  that we judge people too easily based on one incidence.

Share your thoughts people………

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And I got Slapped #MyLeggedBenzStories

That fateful day, it was sunny and I’d just gotten out from the salon where I went to wash my hair. It was in the evening so everywhere was busy; whether its the cars zooming past on their way home without any thought for traffic rules or the buses in a hurry to make as much turns ( moving passengers from from point A to B and back to A) as possible before the evening rush hour crowd disperses or the kekes wiggling their ways even out of impossible traffic, last but not least, the crazy okada men also in the frenzy to make the most.

I was at a popular junction — a 4-way junction? No, definitely a 5-way junction. Anyway, you know those Nigerian intersections that just came about and were surely not a product of any town planning that leaves you confused on exactly who has the right of way if you are driving. 

So I was trying to cross the roads, I’d crossed the first and it remained the second; the problem was the cars never stopped. I’d already stood for about 15 minutes while my colleagues(you know other fellow road-crossers) had been crossing the road with their ninja skills (I must quote Ofili here abeg). So I decided to put my skills to action, I’d been doing that before, I wonder why I was forming ajebo that evening biko.

I was already halfway through when this crazy bike man came out of nowhere speeding directly towards me and there was a moving keke infront I could not run into. At the final moment, he slowed and swerved to the side. And that was when I got the shock of my life: a ‘thwack’ landed on my cheeks before I heard:

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Photo Credit: google

“Idiot!! I choo i nwu, i jee nwuoro onwe gi”(if you want to die, die on your own) and he zoomed off. Everything happened so fast (less than a minute) that most passers-by missed it.

And I learnt an important lesson that day:

A book will always be judged by its cover whether we like it or not unless it’s written by someone famous.

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I believe if I had looked hot & chic with my full Kylie Jenner perfected pouting lips and peruvian hair, you know like a classical Instagram hot babe, the man would have had some small respect.

Unfortunately, I had on zero makeup with my natural hair combed out, looking like a half homeless person. He probably felt he was doing the parents of this homeless secondary school leaver a favour on roadcrossing training.

Or he just didn’t care at all.
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Abeg share your weird road experiences and if you have a LeggedBenz story you would love to share, just buzz me so we can arrange for you to do a guest post

A Hungry Man is a Walking DYNAMITE…… #MyLeggedesbenzStories

Soo the other day, I passed two men fighting in the middle of the road and I remembered an incident that happened last year. I was in a keke going somewhere but not in a hurry when we noticed a crowd by the side of the road. The keke driver stopped to know what was going on. There was a small car and several kekes that were parked at the curb. Then across the road,  two men were having a wrestling match.

This WWE match had one of the wrestlers well dressed in a smartly ironed white shirt that was still partially tucked in and his carton coloured Chinos trouser and fine pair of shoes. While the other (the one who was about to become the next reigning WWE champion – Smackdown), was dressed in a short with a cheap tattered belt holding it to his waist and his clean though old t-shirt with the face of one of the prominent Nigerian singers blazoned both on the front and back.  He was repeatedly lifting the smartly dressed man and throwing him on the floor like they do in the traditional Igbo wrestling. He was also pummelling the smartly dressed man like he was the reason for the obnoxious Naira-dollar exchange rate, it just remained for him to force feed the man with sand

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Photo Credit: http://www.123rf.com

I’d already pointed out that there was a crowd but nobody was making any move to separate the wrestlers. If I had looked closely, I may have noticed the unofficial referee by the side or even the ticket collector for the set match. Each time the man was thrown down, the crowd erupted in cheers, hailing the winner. I would point out at this point that the crowd seemed to made up mostly of not well dressed men (you know they didn’t have that sharp office look, they looked more like congregation of keke drivers and former okada riders).

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Photo Credit : Youtube

On further questioning, we got the correct details: the smartly dressed man was the owner of the small parked car and was hit by the old t-shirt man who was driving a keke. There wasn’t much damage but there was a slightly big dent and scratches on his car. Story had it that he parked and started abusing the keke man who took offense and started abusing him back pointing out that he didn’t damage his yeye car sef, so why couldn’t he just be on his way; it wasn’t even like his car was a Range Rover Sports. At this, the smart man went to cuff him and the wrestling ensued.

Now the interesting thing about the story is that the person who recounted the tale to our driver (also a keke driver) was of the opinion that the t-shirt man should beat up the smart man as (and I quote): ‘These private drivers can be very wicked, someone cannot just scratch their car, even if its egg, just a small scratch and next thing they are asking you to pay for repairs. See the small dent the man made to the small car and the man is making noise, na only him buy car. Mtcheeww’

I wanted to ask him “Someone’s car was dented cos you were in a hurry to pick passengers and you don’t even deem it fit to apologise instead you are supporting the person beating up the victim?  Nsogbu dikwa oh’ but I shut my tongue (pun intended). A fellow passenger threatened our driver and we zoomed off.

And I learnt:

A Hungry Man is a Walking DYNAMITE about to explode; Avoid him at all costs

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Share your angry man stories jare!

You are not allowed on the pedestrian walkway as I’m standing there #MyLeggedesbenzStories

So the other day, I was going to work in the morning. From the bus stop to my work place is about a  5min walk. So I was walking on the pedestrian walkway till I noticed the army officials standing by the side of the road. Before I get to work, I have to pass by this T- junction and usually the cars negotiating the turns there take up almost all the spaces on the roads.

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.A: The part of the road where we had the altercation. You can agree it's a danger zone

Now these smart Army officials were standing on the pedestrian walkway across the gutter. So as I approached, I was asking myself ‘Are these supposed protectors expecting me to walk on the road and risk getting knocked down while they take up the part of the road reserved for pedestrians like me?’  Of course, I opted out of walking on the road and continued on the pedestrian walkway (mind you, I’ve read FRSC’s Highway Code ftom cover to back severally). 

I walked past the first soldier (I saw the look of surprise on his face), passed the second one and was about passing the last one when he spoke ‘Does this look like a freeway to you? So you didn’t see your fellow pedestrians walking on the road? Idiot!! Stupid girl!!!’   I wanted to ask him ‘How can you be standing on our way and asking us to take a busy road? Aren’t you the crazy one?’ But as I loved my flawless face, I just jumped across the gutter silently and continued on my way.
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How una way, jare??

Inspiration is everywhere #MyLeggedesbenzStories

So the other day, I entered an intra city bus (don’t mind my big grammar you know all these normal yellow buses), people like me understand.  I don’t want to bore you with all the  whole ‘it was very hot and stuffy inside the bus and we were waiting for just one last person’ gist.  We were packed tightly like sardines in a can when suddenly I turned sideways and saw an amazing experience

The lady sitting by the window was busy snapping selfies!!!  Wowww!!  I was praying for the last person to come in quickly as I was sitting on one buttock trying hard not to breath too deeply as the combination of all the natural and artificial body perfumes were all so intoxicating and someone was comfortably taking selfies in the bus. She was even changing her poses. And I must confess; her shots were incredibly beautiful.  Of course,  I craned my neck till I could get a view of all her pics.

My eyes turned green (I don’t think I’ve ever felt such envy in a bus before since childhood).
I could just imagine her hashtags on instagram  #prettymoi #feelingblessed #feelingmyself #bosslady

And I learnt a big lesson:

Inspiration is everywhere,  the question really should be:
Are you ready to be inspired?

That was a big food for thought. Who knew I’d find literary quotes in a stuffy bus??
Not me

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Ciao
P.S: Would love to hear your inspirational stories from unbelievable scenarios

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This is my derest self trying to get a pretty selfie in my bedroom & failing miserably, Diaris God

We all need Re-orientation #MyLeggedesbenzStories

So the other day, I was on my way to a meeting in Okigwe. It was to start at 1pm and I planned getting there at least an hour before the meeting. I had a stellar plan: leave my house by past 8, get to the park by 9, give the bus at most an hour to be full then get to Okigwe latest by 12noon.

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I forgot one important detail: it rained throughout the night before till that morning. You are wondering how this affects my itinerary,  I will explain. From my house, I had to pass through this single carriage road about 3-4km (this road should be at least a dual carriageway holding at least 3cars horizontally (not the narrow Nigerian im giving you a dual carriageway that can barely hold 2 saloon cars) with one of those cars being a heavy truck/trailer) and the traffic congestion on this road is a normal routine. But with the rain, there would be heaps of sand and other stuff contributing to a freer passage (note the sarcasm).

Of course,  Anambra state govt does not deem expansion of the 3-3 road a necessity,  although its the link road to 4 major estates/suburbs in Onitsha, rather we are building 2-3 flyovers in Awka to combat future congestion when the city expands (the capital city takes precedence in the Nigerian thinking). I’m digressing abeg.

Back to my story, that morning the traffic was soo bad that even the traffic controllers (latsma equivalent) were confused. Buses (the one I was in inclusive) were driving on wrong lanes but was I happy. The other passengers were even insulting the private car owners on the other lane who weren’t moving out of our way fast enough. I even cursed the drivers who didn’t allow us to rejoin our lane when we finally blocked oncoming vehicles fully  and rejoiced internally when other passengers started shouting on the driver telling him “you will not just wait a bit, when your car is scratched I will know what you will do, you are struggling for road with buses, Idiot’

I finally got to the park by 9:30am and as I waited for the bus to fill up, I went over the morning’s events and I was ashamed of myself. Because although I didn’t say a word, my silence was a support to the happenings of that morning.  I was in a hurry, yes but who said others who were in that traffic didn’t have more important meetings they were also rushing to.
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Moral of the Story: Sometimes having a Leggedesbenz is useful, because if I’d been driving myself, I would have stuck in that traffic for nothing less than 2 hours and a half

Lovely Peculiarities of Nigeria: Our Noise Culture

So the other day, I was going to visit a friend.  I boarded a keke (that’s a tricycle) and was in my own world: enjoying the scenario,  breathing the freshly released carbon pollutants from barely maintained vehicles.  I was jarred out of my lala land by this constant horning by the driver. I started wondering if the person, animal or vehicle blocking the road was deaf.

Only I then noticed that he was horning at regular intervals. If someone/something was blocking the road,  he would have horned incessantly.  I also realised that we were moving, the road was free and the driver was just driving and blowing his horn. In retrospect,  I don’t think he was really aware of his actions (how wierd that would seem to a foreigner): ‘pressing the horn every 15seconds inappropriately like he was making music’. As horn by definition is an instrument used to send a warning or signal but who cares, this is Naija our fatherland.

And this is one of the things I love about this country. We are so used to noise, in some cities you find bus drivers have exchanged the normal horns for the blaring horns  used by lorries.  And this is fun for them. The cd seller mounts his speakers on the road infront of instead of inside his shop. There are more speakers outside churches than inside as the sermon is for the neighbourhood whether interested or not; everyone must become born again.

And this is one of the amazing peculiarities of Nigeria.

Welcome to 2015………….
Make some noise somebody! !!!!!!