The Door!! Who goes in First? #LovelyPeculiaritiesofNigeria

It was 3:35pm. She greets the Security at the  bank entrance and wait patiently for the two ladies who were before her to enter the banking hall. As she found herself in front of the door waiting for the light to turn green, this elderly man walks up to the door, greets the Security and places himself between her and the door.

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Huh???

“Good day Sir” She said. He didn’t respond but shifted slightly to the side. The light turned green and the security pressed the ‘open’ button and they waited for the door to open. She continued boring holes into his side that he looked up at her after a while.

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And she gave him the “you really mean to say you didn’t notice me standing here” look.

The door opened and she waited for him to make the first move, he was blocking her path after all. She’d already shaped her mouth to tell him immediately he took the first step forward that it was her turn so he should come out and wait; and she was ready to cause a scene.

It was like he could read minds because he moved aside and waved for her to go in. And into the banking hall she went without a backwards glance.

Nigerians should learn not to jump queues especially older adults who feel they have more important things to do with their time unlike young people. If you are in a hurry, explain to the people who came before you nicely and most people would make way for you.

Not to come and be forming sharp guy.

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Smmmh

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Ciao

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Image Credits: google images and onehallyu gifs

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Killing is Allowed

So the other day, I was listening to one of these Radio shows where one could call in. I cannot really remember the topic for the programme but it had to do with stopping the crisis in the Niger Delta.

People were calling in giving their opinions on possible solutions and what the government could do differently. Intelligent valid points were being raised on the reasons for Niger Delta under development and the rise of militancy again in the region. Proposals were being proffered on how to get the militants to put down arms

And then someone called in with a whole new perspective, he said and I quote ‘Niger deltans should stop complaining about Northerners owning more than 90% of the oil blocks,Β  because the Northerners worked hard for it,; infact they are reaping the fruits of their labour. They had to kill more than 10 million people during the Civil war so they’ve earned it ”

So therein lies my confusion: Is he suggesting that for the Niger Deltans to earn the rights to the oil wells in their land, they have to kill a greater number of people?? So in essence, they should start a war?

Sometimes ehnn, some Nigerians tire me seriously

But I must say that was an eye opener because I never thought of it that way. If you want something, you should be willing to do all it takes including Kill…..
O di egwu.

After all the US of A started a war in Iraq and other places (Nigerians get sense ehnnn), it’s all about the oil.

He raised a valid point.

So my prayer for you this week is that all obstacles towards your goal should fall and die because a certain Pastor even called on God’s wrath against anyone who would speak ill of his varsity’s school fees as it was pre-set by divine law.

So Go Forth and Kill……………
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Disclaimer: This advice is based on an anonymous Nigerian’s reasoning and does not reflect chidisblog beliefs.

Basic Driving Rules Pt 2

So last year we went through the 5 basic driving rules in Nigeria see here but i realised i missed some crucial ones. So here are the next 5:

1. Taking calls while driving:

Here, the degree of your being a professional driver is measured by your ability to take calls while driving. We call up loved ones even when we know they are driving because we expect them to be in control.
It seems we don’t understand the gravity of some of our actions

2. Don’t drive while drunk:

I used to think it was don’t drink alcohol and drive; but here i have realized its Dont drive while drunk. You can drive after 6 bottles of alcohol so far you are sober but i thought the whole point was for one to have 100% concentration as  one might not be quite drunk but still be a bit disoriented.
Also, what if one thinks he is still sober while he is tipsy?? Its funny when you drive to a loved one’s house and you are plied bottles after bottles of alcohol even though everyone is aware you are driving back that s

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Photo Credit: iwanthatsign.com

3. Keke has the Right of Way Always:

Yes, it doesn’t matter if they swerve back into the road without indicating, they are the Kings of the road. The road rules do not apply to them so they can indicate that they are going right (trafficate right) while continuing straight and then suddenly turn left. If you are caught unawares and damage your car that’s your fault for not knowing the rules……….πŸ˜…πŸ˜…

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Photo Credit: google

4.Blow your horn in greeting or gratitude:

You’ve been waiting at the junction and finally a car stopped to let you pass; blow your horn in appreciation. You see your neighbour on the opposite side of the road; blow your horn in greeting. You get to the estate gate; blow your horn in greeting to the security men there. In fact, if you feel soo happy; blow your horn in jubilation……..

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Image Credit: web

…..

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5. ………………………………….

Fill in the blanks

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Your thoughts people

The Church Kills!!!! Literally

She met her looking depressed in her shop like someone whose husband left her. She asked for a loaf of bread and three eggs but she looked so distracted that she had to repeat her request. Then she sighed and said ‘Hei!!! So this is how fickle a human life is?’ She asked what happened and was told that Mama Ekene their neighbour died in childbirth.

She opened her mouth wide and shouted theatrically ‘Gini?’ When? How?’ And that was she got the full story…… Mama Ekene was pregnant with her third child. Towards the 9th month she was informed of a complication and was advised to go for a caesaraen section. She didn’t believe that a strong christian prayer warrior like her could not deliver vaginally like the Hebrew women as promised by God in the Bible.Β  So she went to her pastor who promised her divine delivery and they commenced special prayers for divine favour. Labour started and she went to the church where she started bleeding but they were promised a miracle so the prayers continued; she finally delivered a live baby but was bleeding profusely and the placenta was stuck plus she was getting so weak.

Then the pastor asked that she be taken to a hospital. She died in traffic en route to a hospital.

“Chineke nna!!” She shouted. “But I thought Mama Ekene was a bit literate, how could she do such a foolish thing? Who risks their life on a Pastor’s prophesy?”

She looked at her sadly, shook her head , sighed deeply and answered “Many do. Have u forgotten the case of Papa Ngozi who lost consciousness and the pastor and his prayer warriors prayed for almost 4 hours before the man was taken to the hospital dead?”

She sighed in a defeat and said “We need to start arresting these men of God. This is murder. Why is no one talking? And they are the first in the hospital when their own family have even simple headache. Hmmmm!! O di egwu. Let me go and prepare breakfast for the kids first.”

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Happy Birthday Miss RedπŸŽΆπŸŽΌπŸŽ‚πŸŽ‰πŸŽŠπŸŽŠ. You are really one of a kind. Sorry it’s a depressing post but has been in my head for a while. Hopefully the next one would be fun

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Image Credit: google

On a lighter note, what popular superhero comes to your mind once you glimpse this picture? Don’t go staring soo hard joor….

Nigerians and their Unsolicited Advice #ameboism

Scenario 1:
A friend of mine was at a hair salon, she is #TeamNatural. Next thing, the hair stylist started advising her to retouch her hair as she feels pain on her scalp alot. The woman started, “Natural hair is for girls who can withstand scalp pain, you sef hair dey pain like die wan carry natural hair”.

Hia!!! What is the woman’s business with my friend’s hair? Does the scalp not belong to my friend? If she decides that she loves pain, how is it the stylist’s wahala?

Scenario 2
A man goes to visit his mom (let’s assume he is in his late thirties), and finds his mom has a visitor who he has never met before. Out of the benevolence of his heart, he decides to greet the visitor who instead of asking after his health or something else, asks him about his wife. When he replied he wasn’t married, she started, “you need to get married fast oh, your mates have 4 children already”.

Biko, what’s her own? Did the man say he wasn’t aware his mates were married?

Scenario 3
Quickly crossing the road, a friend rushes and hugs her other friend. They were meeting again after some years. She’s asked about her husband and kids and in the middle of the conversation,Β  the friend started advising her to be an obedient wife and not leave her husband to do house chores.Β  Even adding that it was getting late, so she should rush home to prepare dinner for the family.

Can I be allowed to say this abeg:
“Nigerians should learn to keep their opinions to themselves unless they are asked”.
Who asked you???

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Please feel free to share your PokeNosing stories below.
Ciao